so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
