you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
