she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
