Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
