Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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