There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
