I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
