$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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