So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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