I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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