You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
