11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
