my mouth tastes like poor choices
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
