I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
