I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Two words: nipple clamps
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