i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
