I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
