i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
