I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
