It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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