He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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