Your face is a jimmy john
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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