I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
