So gin and wine won't be happening again
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
