STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
