I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
