If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
