I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
