i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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