I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
