Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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