Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
