I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
