Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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