when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I still have a little drunk in my system
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
