nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just forgot I was standing up.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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