I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
