Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
