I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
