my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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