Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
