His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
