Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
