Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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