You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
