considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
