Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
