I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
