Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
