The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
