I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize