at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
