Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
