When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
