The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
