Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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