We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
